NEWARK—Devils captain Zach Parise was direct and succinct with his statements to the press this morning after a brief skate with the team. “We’ve played a lot of hockey this series, but there’s still one game left that we need to lose before we go home. I think a lot of our guys have been down this road…” the Minnesota native began to trail off as his father, J.P. Parise, began whispering something unintelligible in his ear.

The Devils once again face elimination in the first round for what feels like the 58th time in a row in post-season play despite only being a franchise for 30 years. Devils veteran Patrik Elias shared Parise’s bleak outlook. “The regular season, you know, it’s really tough. There’s so many games. By the time you make it to the playoffs it’s like, man, I just want to go to sleep.”

Elias, who has two Stanley Cups with the Devils is the longtime teammate of franchise goaltender Martin Brodeur. The three-time Stanley Cup champ has been in these situations a lot more recently. “Our seasons lately have been like dating the high school varsity quarterback; you have such a great time during the year, but come springtime you know in the back of your head you’re just waiting to get your heart broken.”

Speaking of broken, Devils wing Ilya Kovalchuk entered the press conference this morning on crutches, but continued to deny reports that the sniper was playing injured. “Oh these? It’s joke. This is how I get around at arena.” It’s no secret the Russian star hasn’t been a major factor in his two post-seasons with the Devils, but Kovalchuk is not interested in making excuses. “Hockey is funny game, puck bounces one way you score, puck bounces other way, you lose,” he said while finishing off a bottle of liquid codeine. 

Finally, Devils coach Pete DeBoer was on hand to comment on some coaching criticism he’s received from the media. “Just because something isn’t working on the ice doesn’t mean I’m going to start mixing things up with lines and stuff.” DeBoer has stood his ground with the Devils’ offensive lines, only changing them up briefly towards the end of Game 2, which saw a quick two-goal spark, before he immediately changed things back. 

Tonight’s Game 6 could be the end of the Devils post-season once again, but the team does seem to all be on the same page. 

Of course this isn’t real, Let’s Go Devils.